Waltzing Tilda | Post-Apocalyptic Short Film (2017)


…who’ll come a-Waltzing Matilda with me? Waltzing Matilda, who bloody killed her? Lying in the grass with a dagger up her ass. And his balls must be sore,
cause he caught them in the roller door. Who’ll come a-Waltzing Matilda with me? At least 44 people have been killed after… They have taken enough from our country
and we will be taking it back. Many fear a new nuclear arms race
has quietly begun, as the United States, Russia and China… …terror and chaos… I’m just about to go home,
I can do this at home! I saw her down in Cronulla and I told her,
I told her, I told her right there. I was like… – …’I don’t need you around anymore!’
– Hey babe, how you doing? Hey, look at me
when I’m talking to you, bitch! Hey dude, it’s been a while, umm… Yeah, where the fuck have you been? I thought you were gonna be there
last night, but…I guess not. We’re supposed to be friends and I don’t
wanna be the only one putting the effort in. – Hiya, Shane.
– Anyways, umm… …I was wondering if you wanna come… Tilda, this is the third message that I’ve left
can you please pick up? I mean, it’s not like I created you
and gave you the gift of life with my peni… Turn it up man. Turn it up man! Shit! Quiet day… One-two, Scooby-Doo. My name is Tilda.
I’m a resident of Sydney, Australia, born and raised. I woke up today and something was different. There was no one at my work. No one in their homes,
no one in their cars. Everyone has left. My friends, my family… Everyone. If anyone finds this,
if anyone is listening to this… Fuck off. I’m king of the world! Oh. You know what day it is, right? What? You’ve been counting? Kind of hard to forget isn’t it? Everyone disappears overnight,
no bodies, not a single trace? – For God’s sake, here we go.
– We’re not gonna find a logical explanation. Maybe they left for another world
and forgot us behind? Like ‘Home Alone’ on a planetary scale. Maybe they never existed at all.
Maybe they were simply a figment of imagination. Sometimes I wish you were
a figment of imagination. I don’t know. Maybe this is what
our personal inferno looks like? If that was the case,
I’d say Hell has a bad reputation. You know, there’s this
one theory I keep coming back to. I don’t care you idiot. It doesn’t matter. Stop questioning everything. Just be happy. Purgatory. It’s a test. Nothing unclean will enter heaven and all that. You’ve passed on
but you’re clearly not ready for what’s next. This isn’t purgatory, you idiot.
This is great. Earth has never been better. There’s no more conflict,
no more war. No starving children. – There are no children.
– The threat of humanity is gone. This is my kingdom, Shane. Your kingdom is empty, you twat. – Exactly.
– The Nile ain’t just a river in Egypt, mate. What good is the human experience
if you don’t have anyone to share it with? It’s fucking awesome is what it is,
and besides, I’ve got you and Gary don’t I? Yeah, but…wait, what? Who…who’s Gary? – G’day, mate
– I met him the other day. Get in my way and I’ll box
the living shit out of ya! Nah, it’s really nice to meet you, Shane. Put ‘er there! Oh, God…She’s crazy. What’s wrong mate? Not thirsty? Shut the fuck up, Gary. Loose the ‘tude, dude. Today is special,
and we should be celebrating. How is this different
from what we do every day? Happy two year anniversary, bud. You what? Fuck you, Centrepoint Tower! Wait for it. Damnit! It was meant to go off when I pointed at it.
It would have been awesome. You know this is why… Hey, there you go. Huh… Where do you wanna sleep tonight? Penthouse round Town Hall?
Penthouse round St James? God my kingdom is awesome. What? You might be the only person alive
and this is what you do with your…gift of life? You call yourself king
but you’re not taking care of the world. You’re not even taking care of yourself,
you daft fuck. – Jesus!
– You keep going on about how shit the world was but… …what did you ever do to make it better?
What have you ever done for anyone? Why are you attacking me?
It’s not like the rest of the world ever gave a shit. You’re a part of the world!
It is what you make it. It’s a bit late for that now, isn’t it? Anyway, if you’re done shouting,
where do you wanna go? Oh, well fuck you then. I’m gonna stay here and you can go
wherever you like you grumpy sod. I like sleeping outdoors anyway. I’m sick of seeing you
do this to yourself. Then fuck off you rabbit fuck!
What do you want from me? I just…I… – I don’t want anything.
– Then piss off and leave. I don’t need you. Shane? Shane? Shane? Hey dude, it’s been a while, umm… Yeah, where the fuck have you been? I thought you were gonna be there
last night, but…I guess not. We’re supposed to be friends and I don’t
wanna be the only one putting the effort in. Anyways, umm…I was wondering
if you wanna come hangout for my birthday this weekend? I’m really feeling like cake, and beer. It’d be really nice if you were there.
I really miss you. Thank you for looking after Shane for me.
I promise I’ll come get him soon. Okay…see you. Tilda, this is the third message that I’ve left
can you please pick up? I just wanna know that you’re alright. You know, they’re playing that
‘Night of the Living Dead’ this weekend… …at that cinema down the street.
Would be fun to see. Anyway, I’ll speak soon. I love you, kid. Everything is gonna be alright, Tilda. You don’t need them.
Everything is gonna be… I can’t do this, okay?
I can’t do this anymore. It’s over. Forget about him, okay?
Honestly, come on. He’s a piece of shit. What? Is that the ending of the fucking film? I…I…I died, and this is how it ends? Wait, wait…no. Stop. Stop!
Stop the credits. It’s not ending this way.
You’re waking up. This movie is going on. Right? Alright. Get up. Get up! I used to think it was better to be unhappy alone
than unhappy with someone. I guess it was just easier. Earth’s doing pretty good without us, isn’t it? I wish it didn’t have to be like that. I do miss them. Well, some of them. I’m lucky I had you. I’ll miss you, Shane. Waltzing Matilda, Waltzing Matilda Who’ll come a-Waltzing Matilda with me?

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