The Writers’ Block 2-1: Smiley Kissy Face


RADIO: Can I have anyone
with eyes on Troy? We need him at… [background voices] AURORA: Is it impossible for you
to keep your dick in your pants? CHARLIE: [laughs] CHARLIE: [whispered]
Okay. DAVID: It’s more than just sex! AURORA: Whatever it is,
you’re stopping it… [door slams] AURORA: …right now! You’re essentially
sleeping with an employee. A sexual harassment lawsuit
could shut down this show! DAVID: I was hoping you would
at least try to understand. AURORA: What?
Your lack of judgment? You’re putting
this show at risk! DAVID: Back me up here. AURORA: Understand that
if you do not end this, you’re not working on this show. DAVID: You’re out of order.
AURORA: You’re out of order! MATT: Whole trial’s
out of order. AURORA: What?
MATT: Al Pacino. It’s Al Pacino.
AURORA: That was Al Pacino? DAVID: I would like
an opportunity to explain what happened. So, how might we arrange that? AURORA: Fine. [sighs] Dazzle me. DAVID: Okay. I met Troy shortly after
he was cast on Somerset Isle. Even watching his audition tape,
he stood out. There was just… something about him, you know? He really caught my eye. AURORA: So does an icepick,
but that doesn’t mean you should keep jamming it
in your face over and over. DAVID: When we met,
we had actual chemistry, and we hooked up the night
after the wrap party, and we just had a really
great time together, so we kept hanging out, and then one day we were
in the park and he was… MATT: This… this does
present some concerns in terms of his
presence on Somerset Isle. I mean, we can’t favour him just
because he’s your boyfriend. AURORA: Thank you. MATT: This is exactly
the kind of thing that would threaten
and divide a cast. AURORA: And at no point
did you say to yourself, “Hey, guys, this might be
some conflict of interest”? DAVID: Well, we actually
talked about him signing some kind of a waiver, so…
AURORA: Really? What kind of waiver
would that be? DAVID: I don’t know, but isn’t
this exactly the kind of thing they have waivers for? Remember when you
slept with, uh… MATT: Lisa.
DAVID: Yeah. You had to sign something,
didn’t you? MATT: Conflict of interest form.
DAVID: Thank you, yes. MATT: No, I didn’t sign one.
DAVID: What? MATT: She was
a background performer. AURORA: Yeah, she
was just background. MATT: [clears throat]
Okay, moving forward, I’d like to think that we can
all make smarter choices in the future. Now, work issues aside, as your friend… I dunno, how old is he?
DAVID: 24. AURORA: Oh, my God!
He’s 500 years younger than you! DAVID: Well, kind of.
He thinks I’m 34. MATT: [sighs] Obviously,
we want you to be happy. AURORA: No. MATT: Obviously,
I want you to be happy. Especially after everything
that happened with Cory. But this has the markings
of “unhappy” all over it. AURORA: Babe… He is a 24-year-old hottie. He is a plaything, at best. DAVID: Well, you know what? I think I love him! [phone beeps] DAVID: [sighs] The cast can
hear us in the rehearsal studio. Do you think Troy heard me
say that I love him? We haven’t said it yet. AURORA: That’s Troy texting? DAVID: Yeah.
[phone beeps] He figured I told you
we were moving in together. AURORA: You’re
moving in
together? DAVID: I was getting to that!
AURORA: You are fired, ugh! MATT: Oh, you know,
let’s not be hasty. AURORA: Take a good, long look
at the production schedule! We have a staggering amount
of work still to do, and there’s just three of us
now by the way. We don’t have time
for distractions or drama. DAVID: But that’s my wheelhouse.
AURORA: Oh, shut up! MATT: That’s his wheelhouse. AURORA: I don’t give a shit
what your wheelhouse is! This is a writer’s room;
it’s not a summer camp! We’re here to write a show. We’re not here to schedule
your make-out sessions behind the dining hall! [sighs] The success of
Somerset Isle depends on us. MATT: Oh, it’s a show
about a bunch of mummies on an island
off the West Coast. Do you really think
it’s gonna be successful? [phone beeps] DAVID: “No matter what happens
in my relationship with you, “I want my character to have
a life no different than the one “you and the writers
have planned for him. “I expect no special treatment.” [phone beeps] DAVID: Smiley kissy face. [phone beeps] DAVID: “I also expect I won’t
suddenly be killed off “if I forget to do the dishes.” Dancing lady,
checkmark, unicorn. There. Does that not sound reasonable? AURORA: It sounds as if his
emotional IQ is triple your own. [phone beeps] DAVID: Okay. Where were we?
Don’t! AURORA: Oh. [laughs] “By the way, I’m well aware
that you’re not 34. “I snuck a look at
your driver’s license. “34 seems like a bit of a push.” I like him.
[phone beeps] AURORA: “Oh,
and I love you too.” DAVID: Really?
He said that? MATT: Aw. He loves you too. Is that the first time
he said it? DAVID: It feels like
a cross between… winning an Oscar
and getting buried alive. Do you think Troy
heard me say that? MATT: [sighs] I’ll get
the conflict of interest forms. AURORA: Thank you.

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