Sexual Consent: Changing Sexual Scripts

Sex is one of those things where it’s hard to talk about but if you practise, it gets easier. And so at some point if you practise well enough much earlier – before you get plastered – you can say, “hey, would you like to make out later?” [laughter] People say this. People do this. This is normal. But if it’s not normal in your circles, it can be like, “Why would I ever do that??” But it’s ok. And… sexual scripts are shifting. And so, we need to start getting used to the idea that we will be asked all these kinds of questions like, “hey, is it ok if i kiss you?” Instead of going, “WHAT?? What a silly… person you are!”
[laughter] Instead of reacting badly, you might be like, “Ohhh, ok! Well, I guess culture is shifting!” And it’s ok to be that person who’s like, “Hey, I’d love to walk over to the woods with you… and maybe… feel… …you up!” [laughter] It’s so funny, right? In a hall? But, delivered better than I did… It’s… It is… I’m telling you it’s actually very sexy And it can be very… um, awesome. Because you know what? The thing is sexual risk-taking, – doing sexy things together – requires the feeling of safety. So if you can set the stage that feels safe, and you have good, open communication, – even if it’s a bit cheesy and embarrassing and ridiculous – you can actually do a lot more sexual things comfortably together. If you know that this person is willing to put on the brakes when they’re not comfortable, you can actually feel much more comfortable running. At high speed. I’m just saying that I want you to have good sex when you want to have good sex. And this is the path It’s these like, really explicit kinds of asking and sharing saying things like, “It feels so nice when you kiss me”. It’s ok to say that. Ok, so what are the ways that you could ask for consent? Besides like, just hovering.
[laughter] Hovering is not a good method according to consent culture. What are good ways of knowing if someone’s into you? And, if they want to go to a party with you? Go into the woods with you? Head back to your room with you? Take you out.. somewhere? What are some good ways? [indistinct audience speaking] Ok, so you’re looking for cues to see if someone is giving you cues. So let’s say they’re like, “Hahahaha!” Laughing a lot at every joke you tell. They’re laughing. It’s not funny and they’re laughing. They grab your arm. They tousle your hair. So you’re getting all these cues. How do you safely, then, think, “I’m going to make a move – what I really want is to kiss this person”? [Audience: You could ask!] [laughter]
You could ask! What would you say? [Audience: Well, I would probably be like… …hey, you know, do you wanna go make out?] “Do you wanna go make out?” Yeah! There are so many ways to say that, eh? You could be like, “hey, do you wanna go make out?” You could say that, or you could be like, “Heyyyy…” I won’t, I won’t… um, torture you with all my renditions but i will say, thanks to YouTube culture, awkward is sexy. Awkward is sexy now. Because what you’re doing is putting the sexiest part of you out there Which is the truth of you. Which is the vulnerable part of you.

3 thoughts on “Sexual Consent: Changing Sexual Scripts

  1. BK has such a perfect way of explaining these things that just make you go 'of course, I knew that, I can do this'. She is amazing and I highly recommend taking any chance you have to hear her talk. I think her work is going to make massive change happen.

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