Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) | Talking about mental health – Episode 17

We are all like survivors; there is something
in it. That’s why we’ve got this disorder. So like, I think that makes us quite strong
people to be able to keep going through it pretty much every day like. There is always
something in part of the day that’s like arggh. I know that my friends can notice when
I’m having a flashback or whatever, they just know I think. They say my face just changes,
the expression in my face just changes and yes but …
Did they say you’re distant by any chance? Yes.
That you become distant all of a sudden from the room or …
I become distant and quite scared … Yes, I do that.
And it’s not like me, I’m quite tough and all that sort of stuff but actually …
I think you’re pretty tough. I am pretty tough yes.
Anybody else easily startled? Hyper vigilant and any noise at all I can
react to now. When it first used to happen it would be straight into a panic attack and
I’ve sort of averaged them out at maybe 10 an hour when I first sort of, well my second
catalyst sort of event. So it was just everything all the time. It sort of relates to why, whatever
happened happened. Now I’m still hyper vigilant but I won’t go straight into anxiety. My
heart will go fast and I’ll go right, I know what’s happening here and my nerves
will sort of burn the back or something or I’ll feel, I don’t know, I’ll sort of
… I’ll jump. For example, if you’re watching a film and they put a cheap jump
scare in it and I jump and feel all my nerves are sort of, I don’t know, tingle all the
way through my back and then after I have to slow down my breathing and slow down my
heart. Do you think, because from my perspective,
some of the things that have happened to me, they’re not secrets, but they are not accepted
as fact. I find myself fighting that sort of scenario that these things are not supposed
to have happened, but they have happened, or elements of them are not supposed to happen
and I feel like I can’t get resolution until that is put on the table and is fact and it
is accepted as fact. I find myself fighting that and the ying yang sort of relationship with
that over the years. Basically, I feel like my whole life at the
minute is just distraction. I’m keeping myself safe, keep myself in my flat and do
whatever I need to do to distract myself from whatever is in here.
I’ve found a way of doing that by doing a lot of work. There is no social aspect,
it’s just right, I’ll do this course, right I’ll that now, I’ll do that, it’s
constantly doing something. I think I’ve got a bit of an attitude where
it’s kind of keep focused or die. Like, the way that works for me is, like, I’m
full time in sixth form but, like, I also have, like, a lot of jobs and stuff and, like,
I never have down time. The idea of having down time just makes me panic because I think
how do I full that expanse of time. If I’m busy then I’m not thinking about such and
such and so … It seems that we’re all busy then to …
Yes, busy bees. As busy as my body will allow me to be.
I’ve found that it affects physical health as much as mental health as well.
Yes I’ve got fibromyalgia. I have as well.
Have you? They took tests to see if I’ve got that
but I don’t think, … they’re a bit confused about what’s wrong with me but they said
it just could just be linked to the PTSD. So I think changing the relationship I have
with my trauma, with my pain has been, you know, really helpful in actually kind of like
getting closer to it. Let’s face it, it’s a robber, you know, it robs us of our youthful
… well robbed me anyway. Because I was diagnosed so late it robbed me of my youthful potential,
it robbed me of this, it robbed me of my marriage, [etc], so I saw it as an enemy and I was on
a constant war footing against it. But now I realise it’s not the enemy, it’s my
wound and, you know, that’s changed my relationship with the pain. It’s distasteful to approach
a wound but it doesn’t have the same degree of fear and loathing and desperation as approaching
an enemy has. I try to think of it like a drug. That it’s
not my real feelings at the moment in time so I can sit there logically and think okay,
you feel terrible but if you’ve drunk 10 pints it feels terrible as well. It’s the
side effects of something else. You’ve got to try and ride through this because it’s
not real. You know logically where you are but you know …
You’ve got to step out and [inaudible] I try that. I’m not saying it always works
but I try and have … I think it’s the self talk isn’t it, where you try and tell
yourself that however you are feeling isn’t, well they say feelings are not facts you know
so. I don’t like that. I went somewhere and
that was basically what they taught and I found … I personally felt like it was kind
of invalidating everything that I felt. I personally prefer to just be like, okay I
feel like this, I’m going to let myself feel like this. I don’t have to work out
the reason why right now when I’m in the middle of it, I’m just going to let myself
feel like it. Then I might go back and see when I’m feeling a bit better, why did I
feel that that, okay next time I need to protect myself in this way and whatever …
It depends on what feeling you’re talking about, because if it’s feelings of self
loathing, is that the word, I try and dismiss them with that sort of scenario. But if it’s
feelings about certain scenarios like we said before, where I need some sort of acceptance
from another party then I wouldn’t just dismiss them because I feel this about that.
I think after a trauma it’s difficult to know what to do with yourself or where you’re
at. So I think one way of kind of dealing with that is to really think about what interested
you before the trauma. Even if you were quite young, was there anything that you wanted
to do. Like, I know I have always like music and somehow that kind of fizzled away, you
know, in kind of traumatic stress years. So I tried to just slowly get back to that. I
think that’s been something that has really helped me and it’s something totally unrelated
to the trauma and it’s something I enjoy so it’s almost kind of like sticking a middle finger up at the trauma and saying “I can still enjoy stuff” Yes definitely.
That middle finger is very important. When people say to me, you know, you’ve
just kind of put it in the past and crack on. Yes, yes, that’s the one and I just
want to say to them, take all of your formative experiences that have made you you – throw
them away, go on you do it. You know, let’s just chuck them away as if they don’t matter,
as if they don’t count, as if like everything that’s made you yourself really can just
be put in the past. You know, it isn’t … you know, we do not fixate on the past, we do
not dwell on the past and we do not rejoice or revel in the past. The past kicks down
our door, comes rushing in, grabs us by the throat and starts punching us one. You know,
it’s not … that’s how it is.

13 thoughts on “Post traumatic stress disorder (PTSD) | Talking about mental health – Episode 17

  1. A brilliant video 🙂 Thank you and keep looking after yourself. I have a petition and a blog: Please will you #Sign and share it?

  2. I realize what my triggers are, but how do I handle them when they come up if they're unavoidable, like…. something that I am told to do but I really don't want to do it, but I have to do it like if someone comes over and I have to go out there and say hello. I have problems not being able to have a choice on whether or not to do something that may not seem like a big deal to others. when I was with my ex, I didn't get to choose when and where we had sex or what sex acts I did and did not want to do. So when I have to do something where I don't have a choice on whether or not to do it, how should I handle it so as not to be triggered?

  3. Oh my gosh, Maisie was only in Sixth Form [like me], it's depressing to see how many people and at how young an age people are getting this…

  4. Any loud noise i either freeze or search the room…I'm high vigelant all the time…I'm very paronoide all the time…I don't like the dark…Unless I'm with someone…I'm very jumpy…I have found working out at the gym is good for me…Some people seem to think cause I was gropped it doesnt count as sexual assualt cause i wasn't raped…But it could of turned into that…because the way the guy was…People think i cant have PTSD cause of this…sexual assualt triggered the PTSD…Bullying & being in several toxic relasonships added to it…

  5. No comments about the fantastic work MAPS have done with the most severe patients of PTSD?!?!? Have these been edited away or do that many people really not know about it?
    If the latter is true, then I would urge anyone with a mental illness of any kind to check out MAPS and the work they do. But when you read about it, keep an open mind as I dare say there will be those with a preordained set of views regarding certain things and before they even get to find out the results of their work, they'll give up and label it in a negative manner.

  6. I am an avid #MentalHealthAwareness advocate and performer, and I love this so much. I travel the country trying to bring that awareness on stages, in classrooms, hospitals, and on my YouTube channel, so I get excited when I see other advocates. 💙❤

  7. so Im in the library at university in a computer and there is people around me.. Its very hard to concentrate and be absorbed with my work and just think. I listen to other people and think that they are talking about me or to me. and I end up feeling different… thats one of my traumas…

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