Post Election 2016 Monologue


SO WHAT HAPPENED LAST NIGHT? I WENT TO BED EARLY? (LAUGHTER)
I DIDN’T HAVE THE STRANGEST DREAM THOUGH. JUST KIDDING. THE PRESIDENTIAL ELECTION
HAPPENED LAST NIGHT. AND THE GOOD NEWS IS IT’S OVER
NOW AND EVERYONE AGREES WITH THE OUTCOME. (LAUGHTER)
PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR TRUMP ARE HAPPY TODAY. PEOPLE WHO VOTED FOR HILLARY ARE
DISAPPOINTED. BUT LISTEN, NO MATTER WHO YOU
VOTED FOR, THE IMPORTANT THING IS YOU ALL GOT STICKERS. (LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE).>>James: IT WAS A WEIRD
NIGHT, WEIRD NIGHT, WEIRD TO BE WATCHING THE NEWS. IF YOU WERE FLIPPING AROUND
EVERY NEWS ANCHOR ON EVERY CHANNEL WAS JUST GOINGU
HHHHHHHHHHH, AND THEN GO TO COMMERCIAL. BUT HILLARY FOUND OUT SHE LOST
SHE CONCEDED WITH GRACE AND DIGNITY. WHEN GARY JOHNSON FOUND OUT HE
LOST HE WAS LIKE, WAIT, THE ELECTION WAS YESTERDAY? (LAUGHTER)
ELECTION DAY WAS A ROLLER COASTER OF EMOTIONS. MANY DEMOCRATS SPENT YESTERDAY
SAYING GET OUT THERE AND VOTE. AND THEND AROUND 8 P.M., THEY
WERE LIKE WAIT, I DIDN’T MEAN YOU. (LAUGHTER)
NOW LOOK, WE REALIZE THIS WAS A POLARIZING ELECTION. AND EMOTIONS ARE RUNNING HIGH. THEY ARE, IT’S FAIR TO SAY, THE
COUNTRY IS DIVIDED, LITERALLY. THE POPULAR VOTE SHOWS NEARLY A
50/50 SPLIT ON BOTH SIDES AND I’VE BRN THINK BEING THIS AND
THINKING ABOUT. THIS AND I REALIZED LAST NIGHT
THAT IT’S ALMOST TWO YEARS AGO TO THE DAY THAT I TOLD MY WIFE
AND MY SON THAT WE WERE GOING TO BE– WHEN ME AND MY WIFE TOLD MY
SON THAT WE WERE GOING TO BE MOVING TO AMERICA, AND HE LOOKED
AT US. I WILL NEVER FORGET IT, HE SAID
DADDY, THAT’S GREAT. AND HE WAS THREE AND A HALF, AND
HE SAID SHOW, HE KNEW INTRIPSICALLY THAT THIS WAS A
FANTASTIC PLACE TO LIVE. AND WE CAME. ALL AS EXCITED AS EACH OTHER TO
BE HERE. BECAUSE AMERICA REPRESENTS SO
MUCH TO US, AND TO THE REST OF THE WORLD. IT’S A COUNTRY OF OPPORTUNITY,
AND DIVERSITY AND HOPE. AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE. THIS IS STILL THE LAND OF
LIBERTY. IT PUT PEOPLE ON THE MOON. IT’S THE CHICAGO CUBS, MICHAEL
JORDAN. (CHEERS AND APPLAUSE).>>James: IT’S THE LAND OF
TACOS, AND YES, AND YES, TACOS ARE MEXICAN BUT THAT DOESN’T
MEAN THEY DON’T BELONG HERE. NOW–
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE) IT’S BEEN A REALLY STRANGE DAY. SOME PEOPLE CELEBRATING, SOME
DRYING THEIR TEARS. AND AND ALL OF US REFLECTING ON
WHAT HAS BEEN THE NASDAQIEST OF ELECTION– NASTIEST OF ELECTION
CAMPAIGNS. WHOEVER YOU VOTED FOR LAST
NIGHT, TRUMP, HILLARY, THOSE OTHER TWO–
(LAUGHTER) NOW IS THE TIME MORE THAN EVER
TO REMEMBER OUR VALUES. THIS COUNTRY ISN’T ABOUT ONE
ELECTION RESULT. THIS COUNTRY IS ABOUT THE PEOPLE
WHO LIVE HERE. IT’S YOU. IT’S HOW YOU TREAT ONE ANOTHER. IT’S THE TONE THAT YOU SET THAT
WILL DEFINE WHO WE ARE. SO TREAT PEOPLE–
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)>>WITH LOVE AND WITH RESPECT. GO OUT AND PUT YOUR ARM AROUND
SOMEONE, EVEN IF YOU HATE THEIR POLITICS, TELL THEM THAT YOU
CARE. IF THIS COUNTRY CAN UNITE
TOGETHER, WORK TOGETHER, THEN YOU KNOW WHAT, WE’LL REMEMBER
AMERICA IS GREAT. AND ALWAYS, ALWAYS HAS BEEN.

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