Jimmy’s Post-Super Bowl Monologue

-Well, while you guys
were clapping, the Rams punted six more times. -Really?
-That’s right. That’s right — Last night
was Super Bowl LIII, and 53 is also how many people stayed awake
for the whole thing. [ Laughter ] But I want to say
congratulations to the New England Patriots
on winning the Super Bowl. [ Cheers and applause ] [ Booing ] And to the Rams, who got to see
a free Maroon 5 concert. That’s good. [ Cheers and applause ] That’s right —
The Rams only scored 3 points, and they were totally shut out
in the second half. They said it was a little tough
to concentrate after seeing
Adam Levine’s nipples. [ Laughter ] But the Rams did set
a new record for punts. [ Light laughter ] This is the first time I’ve ever
seen a punter on the sideline breathing into an oxygen mask. “You’ve got to be kidding me.
I’m going back in?” [ Applause ] That’s right — Rams quarterback
Jared Goff just couldn’t score. Americans said, “If we wanted
to see a football player who can’t score, we’d watch
Colton on ‘The Bachelor.'” I mean, come on.
[ Cheers and applause ] -Whoa! -Hey, at one point in the game, I saw Tom Brady yelled out,
“Reagan, Reagan,” and the Patriots ran the ball
to the right. Did you see that? Then later, the Rams ran a play
called Trump, and they got sacked
by Nancy Pelosi. -Really?
Wow. [ Applause ] -Get this — I read that
over 10 million workers called in sick to work today. That doesn’t include the 53 Rams
who skipped work last night. Oh! Hey. Whoa.
-Come on. Come on.
-Mr. Sports, huh? You’re being a little hard
on them. What do I care? [ Laughter ] I don’t care. Come on.
I don’t care about this. They did a good job, I thought. -Yeah, come on.
They played a game. -Ryan Gosling was fantastic.
-Ryan Gosling was great. -I didn’t even know
he was a quarterback. -Really? Wow!
-Yeah. -So exciting. -Well, late last night,
a reporter in Boston was covering
the postgame celebrations, and she said things
were starting to quiet down in Boston. Watch this. -He said things were
maybe calming down a bit. People were starting to disperse
a little bit while they are coming west. -Six rings, baby.
-There we go. -Six [bleep] rings!
-Okay. All right. All right.
[ Laughter ] -Gosh, I love Boston so much. That was actually
the mayor of Boston. -Are you serious?
-Yeah, I’ve seen him before. I’ve seen him on the news.
-Wow. -“Six rings, baby.” Oh, my goodness. At the end of the night,
Gronk spoke about how many Super Bowl rings
he’s won in his career. And he had a very interesting
way of breaking it down. Watch this. -So my friends and I,
we were chilling, and I only played
half the season the year we got number two. So we were hanging out, and we all decided I have
one and a half rings, ’cause I only played
half that season. That one — The time we won it
the second time. And they said that rounds down
for some reason to one. And they said
if I get two rings, that means I get another ring. I’ll have two and a half, and
that rounds up to three, baby. -There you go.
-I got three rings now, baby. -There you go.
-Whoo! [ Laughter ] -The Rams were like, “I can’t believe we got
outsmarted by that guy.” What? What the hell
are you talking about? What? I saw that before the game, CBS aired an interview
with President Trump, and he said some
pretty questionable things. And while we can’t filter
what he says, we can filter how he looks
when he says it. I’ll show you what I mean. It’s time for “Trump Filters.”
Here we go. [ Cheers and applause ] -You had quite the showdown
with Speaker Pelosi. What did you learn about
negotiating with her? -Well, I think that she was very
rigid, which I would expect. She knows that
you need a barrier. She knows that we need
border security. And on the 15th [High-pitched voice] we have now
set the table beautifully because everybody knows
what’s going on. -But I read that during
the State of the Union, there’s always a designated
survivor who watches the speech from a secure,
undisclosed location. They haven’t announced
who it will be this year. But some of Trump’s
cabinet members have spoken up
to say it’s not them. For example, here’s
Commerce Secretary Wilbur Ross. He said, “Not me. I plan to sit in the front row
and slowly unwrap hard candy.” [ Laughter ] -It’s a Werther’s. -[ Imitates crinkling ] Here’s acting attorney general
Matt Whitaker. He said, “Not me. I’ve been asked to attend so my forehead can serve
as a teleprompter.” [ Applause ] Up next is Secretary
of Agriculture Sonny Perdue. He said, “Not me. I’ll be there
along with every member of my all-banjo country band.” [ Applause ] He’s fantastic.
-It’s all banjo. -If you get a chance,
check them out. -It’s a banjo army. -Next is the Director of
National Intelligence Dan Coats. He said, “Not me. I’ve haunted the House chamber
for 30 years. My soul is forbidden
to leave the building.” [ Cheers and applause ] And finally, here’s Secretary
of Education Betsy DeVos. She said, “I’ll do it.
I’ll be the designated driver.” That’s nice.
-That’s sweet. -Some more news. Trump’s daily schedule’s
just leaked, and he spends more than half
of his day on unstructured executive time. Though to be honest, “executive time” sounds like
what your dad calls it when he takes a newspaper
into the bathroom. “Well, executive time.
I’ll see you in 20 minutes.” [ Laughter ] Executive time. Get this — In a recent
intelligence briefing, Trump thought Nepal
was part of India. Then later Trump was like,
“I know exactly where Nepal is.” It’s right in the middle
of Adam Levine’s chest. Yes, he has two. He has two Nepals.” [ Laughter ] Here’s another big story. New Jersey senator Cory Booker
just became the ninth Democrat to announce he’s running
for president. And get this — If he wins, he’d be America’s
first vegan president. Explains some of the campaign
slogans he’s been testing. Check these out. First says, “Cory Booker — let’s bring salad back
to the White House.” [ Laughter ] Next, there’s, “Cory Booker — even I don’t know
what quinoa is.” And finally, there’s,
“Cory Booker — more refreshing than
a tall glass of nut milk.” [ Laughter ] -Wow. -Oh, you guys, I’m now being
told that during that last joke, five more Democrats announced
they’re running for president, and the Rams just punted again. For fun.
They just did it for fun. [ Applause ] Puts a cape on.
-I can’t do it. -Like James Brown, yeah. And then he runs out,
punts the ball again. That was an exciting day
for him, though, right? -Good day for him, right, but — -I mean, how many punts
do you normally do in a game? Three, four?
-Maybe. If that, right? -Six punts in the Super Bowl? -That seems like a lot.
-He’s got to be psyched man. -I think he’d be more psyched
if he made them. -He’s probably got kids. Kids are like,
“My dad’s a star.” [ Laughter ] Like, “Your dad’s Tom Brady?” He’s like, “No.”
-“No, no, no.” -“I don’t even know
my dad’s name. He’s the punter for the Rams.”
-Yeah, but he’s a punter. He’s the punting guy.
-Yeah. Hey, it was Groundhog Day, guys, and I heard that Punxsutawney
Phil did not see his shadow, which means an early spring. [ Cheers and applause ] Unfortunately, after 20 years
in the spotlight, Phil got back home,
looked in the mirror, and saw a face
staring back at him that he no longer recognized. ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Cheers and applause ] -Wow!
That’s powerful. -Thank you.
-That was Punxsutawney Phil? -Yeah, that was me.
-He came home. -That’s correct. -He’d been in the spotlight
all these years. And then finally,
it’s like, “Done.” It’s like,
“Okay, you’re retiring.” He goes home. Who is he
if he isn’t Punxsutawney Phil? -Who is he if he’s not the dude
that comes out and says — -Yeah.
-Gets dragged out. -Who gets dragged out,
but he decides. -He’s an animal. He’s just kind of
in his little cage almost. -Hole or whatever he lives in. -Yeah, little home, whatever.
-He’s a groundhog. -Hopefully
he’s treated humanely. But he’s — A dude dressed in a top hat
will pull him out of his cage. -Right, which has to be
unsettling. -And he pushes him out
like the Lion King. -And says, “Do you see
your shadow, Phil?” -He talks. He says English. He speaks English to the animal
that can’t speak English. -No.
-Doesn’t speak our language. -No, he’s an animal.
-He’s an animal. He’s like, “Feed me.
Leave me alone.” -“Leave me alone.
I’m scared.” -“What do you want me to do,
like sniff?” -“See my shadow,
not see my shadow. How do you determine
if I see my –” -Oh, see if he goes back
in his cage. -Of course he is. -What kind of ridiculous thing
is going on? You should be ashamed. You should be ashamed
of yourself. -You’re right.
I should be. -Yeah. -Because I am Punxsutawney Phil. -The punter for the Rams?
-Yes. -I didn’t know
that was his name. [ Cheers and applause ] Yeah, on Groundhog Day, all eyes were on Pennsylvania’s
Punxsutawney Phil. But we’ve also got our own
groundhog here in New York. It’s true.
His name is Staten Island Chuck. He’s a little different
than Phil. For instance, Punxsutawney Phil pokes his head out
at first light. Staten Island Chuck smokes
a pack of Parliament Lights. [ Laughter ] -Those are filtered. -Punxsutawney Phil is surrounded
by local dignitaries. Staten Island Chuck
is surrounded by 12 guys who are all named Paulie. -Wow.
Paulie G., Paulie J. -Paulie.
-Hey. -And finally, Punxsutawney Phil
comes out to see his shadow, whereas Staten Island Chuck
comes out and says, “I didn’t see nothing, capisce?” [ Laughter and applause ] And finally, the CEO of Hershey says that they’re fixing
the way they make Kisses so that the tips
don’t get broken off. That’s a good move, because nobody was buying
their new product, Hershey’s Just the Tips. [ Laughter ]
We have a great show tonight! Give it up for The Roots,

100 thoughts on “Jimmy’s Post-Super Bowl Monologue

  1. The Rams did a remarkable job on defense against the Patriots through most of the game. I think they deserve some credit for that. Remember that they forced the lowest scoring game in history!
    I know some people think defense is boring, but it still takes as much skill as the offense!

  2. Why can politics just be left alone for once. Like yuck dont people just get sick of listening to it, like the trump and nancy sack joke, yuck… Im not trying to hear about the superbowl and in the same sentence a nancy pelosi reference…

  3. Am I the only one who didn't mind the superbowl? Its called defense. Sorry if there wasn't enough drama or suspense. The whole game to me was suspenseful because you had the feeling that the first first to score a TD was going to win.

  4. Black people are the overwhelming majority of most African countries, Asians are the overwhelming majority of most Asian countries, and both will continue to be so in the foreseeable future, So when you hear that White people are projected to be a minority in ALL White countries within decades, what does that mean to you?
    Massive non-White immigration is occurring in ALL White countries and ONLY in White countries. This is part of a program of genocide against White children.
    They say it's anti-racist, but it's simply anti-White.
    Anti-racist is a codeword for anti-White.

  5. My new game; I watch liberal videos about various topics and place fun, meaningless wagers on how long it takes a liberal to turn any subject into a Trump topic. So, this is a video that runs 10:16. I'm going with the under; my money says that Jimmy makes a Trump joke, in a video about the Super Bowl, in less than 2 minutes. Hey, I win! 1:20.

  6. America is not ready for a vegan in the White House, but elected a racist.

    Think about that for a second.
    We're doomed.

  7. Brady should get the 6th ring sized for his middle finger so he can hold up 5 with one hand and 🖕🏽with the other

  8. Brady should get the 6th ring sized for his middle finger so he can hold up 5 with one hand and 🖕🏽with the other

  9. executive-time is actually the time, when Trump talks to Erdogan, Putin or other people, who easily manipulate him, without anyone from the government to listen in… that's when Trump gets those brilliant ideas like pulling the troops out of Syria or that Kashoggi wasn't killed by MBS, Putin didn't do anything to help Trump or that there were fine people on both sides…


  11. Seriously does he ever stop bashing our president on every single episode! The left is so nauseating. You never saw him bashing Obama when he was in there and he was a complete idiot

  12. Jimmy Fallon is fantastic. I am trying to build my channel and make 1000 subscribers, please subscribe to my channel.

  13. I really like Jimmy Fallon, but I really miss his expressive face since that botox ruined his mimics. Not a great choice for a comic, it's such a big part of his craft.

  14. Everyone is making fun of the Rams for losing, but it could have been their tactic to avoid cold Hamberders at the White House.

  15. Never thought I'd say this, but this opening monologue is actually better than most Colbert monologues. Not saying Colbert's not #1 for me, but damn this is funny!

  16. Okay Jimmy you guys have to do a Calvin and Hobbs parody to Hobbs and Shaw you have to have the Rock dress up as a tiger and Stratham as Calvin an it could be Calvin and Hobbs fighting crime and ever now and then Hobbs would be a stuff tiger you guy have to do this

  17. Sweet Victory
    David Glen Eisley, Bob Kulick

    The winner takes all
    It's the thrill of one more kill
    The last one to fall
    Will never sacrifice their will
    Don't ever look back
    On the wind closing in
    The only attack
    Were their wings on the wind
    Oh the daydream begins
    And it's sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah!
    And it's ours for the taking
    It's ours for the fight
    In the sweet, sweet, sweet victory, yeah!
    And the world is last to fall

    RIP Stephen Hillenburg

  18. The ground hog will not show. He'll holler from deep in his hole "is Donald fucking Trump still running the planet?"
    And when he hears, there will be 6 more years of misery.

  19. Wow, Fallon sucks… Comedy on par with the "morning announcements" over the highschool intercom. Recycled jokes from the 1980's.

  20. Nobody in the world cares for American football and baseball. And I'm pretty sure the majority of Americans neither. This doesn't mean to abandon these dying sports. I love fringe arts. It only means: do not sell it as 'world series' and 'world cup' and 'super' etc. There is nothing worldly and super about it.

  21. It was a boring super bowl because New England plays boring football welcome the NFL (newengland football league)

  22. It's so sad to see the NFL die out the way it has. Rigged bullshit with ego over logic or morals. Thanks for the memories and good riddance.

  23. So a late night monolog is basically insallting the president (even if he is an idiot, to some degree) professional athletes and musicians. Sounds like a good gig.

  24. In Canada our Groundhog is called Wiarton Willie. Every Groundhog Day he comes out, and then reminds us we live in Canada, we have two seasons, Winter and Summer, the snow will stay until May 2-4 weekend, let me go back to sleep you a-holes in top hats!

  25. Just because I watch a lot of late night does not mean I want to watch Jimmy fuckin Fallon, youtube.. get your shit together. How many times do I have to dislike or tell you I'm not interested before you stop suggesting this guy.

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