J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin. Epic Rap Battles of History


Season 5 Epic Rap Battles Of History George R. R. Martin VERSUS J. R. R. Tolkien BEGIN! Brace yourself gather up your trolls and your soldier elves and your ents and your orcs and your wargs and your Stings your dwarves and Glamdrings cause there’s a new literary Lord in the Ring my readers fall in love with every character I’ve written then I kill ’em and they’re like “no he didn’t” all your bad guys die and your good guys survive we can teel what’s gonna happen by page and age five tell your all seeing eye to find some sex in your movies ditch the Goonie and cast a couple boobies there’s edgier plots in that David the Gnome your hobbit hole heroes can’t handle my throne Kings Queens dragons dragons horses, fortresses, magic and swords you Hob-bit my whole shit you uninspired hack you want a war George? welcome to Shire-raq in book sales you’ve go nothing to sav I’m number one and two you’re under Fifty Shades of Grey I got the prose of a pro your shit’s subpar you’re a pirate you even stole my R.R. we all know the world is full of chance and anarchy so yes it’s true to life for characters to die randomly but news flash the genre’s called fantasy it’s meant to be unrealistic you myopic manatee I conscientiously object to what you’re doing on these beats I’ll cut you like my teeth on Beauty and the Beast you went too deep Professor tweed pants we don’t need the back story on every fucking tree branch I cut my teeth in the trenches of the Somme you LARPed your Santa Claus ass through Vietnam and it’s hard for me to take criticism on clothes from a dude who sends a raven to say hi to his toes Man your fat jokes are worse that your pipe smoke my show’s the hottest thing on HBO! I’m rock and roll, you’re a nerdy little nebbish and I may be dirty but you got a hairy foot fetish dog even the names of your characters suck you got Boffers and Bofurs and Brandybucks I got a second breakfast for all them goofy fucks lift up my gut and tea Baggins my nuts C.S. Lewis and I were just discussing how you and Jon snow both know nothing! because the backstory of my box office is billions got my children making millions off my Silmarillions and I’m more rock and roll than you’ve ever been don’t believe me? ask Led Zeppelin! you can’t reach this fellow shit, I’m too Towering every time I battle it’s return of the King!!! WHO WON? WHO NEXT? YOU DECIDE! Epic Rap Battles Of History //Ich hab mein bestes versucht, allerdings ist es teilweise sehr schwierig, eine gute Übersetzung zu finden, die sich auch für Untertitel eignet. //Verbesserungsvorschläge sind gerne gesehen! 🙂 //Untertitel von: Chrintario

100 thoughts on “J. R. R. Tolkien vs George R. R. Martin. Epic Rap Battles of History

  1. balto vs scooby doo – dog of courage vs dog of cowardly ness
    ed gein vs leather face – the real and fictional motives of there killing spree that are similar
    sir Charles Kingsford smith vs red baron – famous pioneers
    Addams family vs munsters – very similar sitcom shows
    miyamoto musashi vs samurai jack – famous samurai
    Karl Marx vs Adam smith – communism vs capitalism
    Charlie Chaplin vs buster Keaton – famous silent actors
    Marco polo vs Dora the explorer vs Lara croft vs Nathan drake vs Indiana jones – famous explorers
    Jim jones vs Charles mansion – famous cult leaders
    tony stark vs Margaret thatcher – iron man vs iron lady
    pennywise vs john Wayne gacy jr – battle of the killer clowns
    scorpion vs Ryu – famous fighting game characters

    and finally we have an answer to the red baron should actually fly.

  2. I find it hilarious how Martin started so strong but steadily seemed to run out of material; too bad he didn't stick that finish in time lol

  3. OMG both of them just killed eachother and yet glorified eachother as well ! 😀 i deeply love both of them and both worlds they ve created… so i was not "offended" by neither of their "hate" speeches 😀 JUST AMAZING

  4. Everyone saying Tolkien won because he finished the books…hear me out.

    His character development made sense, arcs weren't thrown out, and the battles weren't built up and turned in to bullshit.

    Love GOT, but no one can say I am wrong.

  5. Lord of the Rings is a great book that is averagely written, but the Song of Ice and Fire is just so intricate and majestic.

  6. Correct me if I’m wrong it’s been a long time since I’ve read a song of ice and fire but didn’t that exact thing happen when a lady was sitting under a special tree? I remember being bored as fuck reading that and this lady wouldn’t shut the fuck up about a tree

  7. I think George won the Rap battle, but hey i guess he had to win something. I love me some GOT, but with rare exception stares at Tom Bambadil Tolkien's work is much better.

  8. "I got a second breakfast for all them goofy f*cks, lift up my gut and tea Baggins my nuts!" I don't care if the bar is weak I freaking laughed so hard.

  9. Just for the line of the tree branch martin wins for me. If you deleted all the pages tolkien spends talking about the landscape in full detail for no reason and describing irrelevant things, his books would be half their size

  10. “You can’t reach this fellow, shit, I’m too towering. Every time I battle, it return of the king.”

    Did he just mention every book in his closing line? Fuck me, he did. He just fucked Martin up more than Grond fucked up the gates of Minas Tirith.

  11. "We don't need the backstory on every fucking tree branch." There is literally a list of names of each House and person in that house at the end of every GoT book. Literally.

  12. Honestly the j rr Tolkien wins but game of thrones is one of the most greatest thing a writer could do. In real life George rr Martin wins

  13. You can't reach this fellow, shit
    I'm too Towering
    every time I do battle, it's return of the King.
    Huh, I just now that that first part, and by consequence the whole thing.

  14. He may have a lengthly discussion about every tree branch but at least it's not an supposedly erotic description of rape.

  15. For me game of thrones was just a Shitty TV show with annoying fans, I decided to give the books a chance, I finished the 5 books in less than 3 months… So awesome

  16. Tolkien won hands down in the rap and in life. Game of Thrones is good, but it's no where near as good as The Lord of the Rings. A TV show based on TLotR would be so much better than movies that skip over 2/3'rds of the book.

  17. Tolkien did not want to fight in WW1, he was forced to enlist by social pressure… Martin managed to dodge Vietnam, he should have rubbed it in Tolkien's face.

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