ALIEN INVASION – Terrible Writing Advice

Are you itching to tell a fantastic tale about
aliens from the distant stars? Great! Stories featuring aliens have as vast of possibilities
as the immenseness of space. But how will our story handle our alien visitors’
interactions with humanity? Should we have our space faring visitors from
beyond the stars come in peace and open a dialog with humankind? The prospects of peaceful coexistence with
alien life is a near endless well of potential drama and an opportunity to explore deep themes
about the nature of life and existence. Which is why it’s boring! Instead, let’s just have our outer space visitors
shoot at humanity with ray guns. That’s much more exciting and won’t make our
audience uncomfortable with unpleasant existential questions. So let’s get ready to tell an exciting tale
of alien invasion. Just follow my tips and you too can bring
humankind to its knees at the heels, or alien equivalent, of our extra-terrestrial overlords. Let’s get started! Now some may make the mistake of over thinking
the alien’s motivations for invading. This is not as difficult as it sounds. We could just have the aliens invade to steal
Earth’s natural resources like iron, water, or gold. Never mind that all of these things can be
found in abundance in space and those don’t have a hostile civilization with nuclear weapons
defending them. Nor should the aliens consider trading some
of their technology for natural resources, letting the humans do the work for them without
wasting time and energy fighting a war that would likely leave the Earth completely irradiated
rendering any resources gains worthless. Just mention in a throwaway line about how
they are after Earth’s resources and move on. I’m sure the audience won’t question it at
all. But why stop there? If we want to make the aliens extra evil,
we could have them conquer earth so they can devour us. Yes. For some reason the aliens want to eat us
in spite of deadly biochemical barriers. Just make sure they don’t discover the wide
array domesticated species that have far more meat on them and that don’t have assault rifles. There are many other motivations we can give
them as well from using humans as host for their offspring to attacking earth for spamming
out crappy youtube videos. But if we can’t think of anything then don’t
worry! We can just have the aliens invade for no
reason at all and just hint that they have some greater motive. Now we have the alien’s mandibles salivating
at the prospect of conquering Earth. Time for the invasion to begin. Now being a species powerful enough to bridge
the vastness of space would obliviously mean that they are highly intelligent and thus
would know the value of gathering key intel on human culture, assessing Earth’s international
political situation, and analyzing each nation’s relative military strength as well as sending
a vanguard to infiltrate major population centers and gather real time ground intelligence
to assist the main invasion force. No doubt the aliens could even use diplomacy
to play nation states against one another just like historic colonial powers. However, these tactics have two critical weakness. The first is that they require the author
to actually know something about countries other than America. The other is that the audience will fall asleep
at the words ‘international politics’ so make sure the aliens just rush in and start zapping
major cities right off without any kind of strategically sound plan. Now given the advanced state of alien technology,
one would assume that they would know to first destroy key military targets, critical logistical
infrastructure, and essential communication hubs. This is completely wrong! Instead the aliens should spend all of their
time destroying historic monuments. Naturally our military should be completely
ineffective at stopping the alien menace. Have our weapons prove useless against the
alien’s war machines. Just be sure the army doesn’t use any actual
tactics and just stands there shooting ineffectively while being cut down by death rays. After a minor skirmish, the armed forces of
humanity should instantly throw in the towel without changing tactics. Instead, they should escalate to using nuclear
weapons, which of course, will also prove useless against the aliens’ plot shields. Whoops. I mean deflector shields. After the aliens easily defeat our strangely
incompetent military forces, humanity will be on the verge of extinction. But don’t give up hope yet! We need to give our aliens a weakness! The aliens can be easily defeated by mankind’s
most powerful weapon. The love triangle! Not even the most powerful alien technology
can save a story from being derailed by a love triangle! Little did the aliens know that the power
of love can overcome all obstacles… well unless the story is targeted at a male demographic
in which case the aliens will succumb to the power of bullets. Just never mention why all of humanity’s armed
forces prove ineffective at stopping the aliens while the protagonist manages to destroy legions
of alien foes by himself with a crowbar. If one can’t think of a weakness then don’t
worry about writing yourself into a corner. Alien invasion stories are so easy to resolve
that they sometimes resolve themselves, like having the advanced and highly ‘intelligent’
aliens forget their inoculations and not invest into anti-virus software. Regardless the humans need to win the day
in the end. It is very important that the aliens be completely
defeated by a species so stupid they can’t even make it to mars.

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